BIOLOGICAL MEMORY ___________________________     The notion of biological memory, is not mine. I remember going to a seminar once where it was talked about.     My reason for writing this is to put into perspective some of the things in my life that have caused me some pain and feelings of regret in some of the behaviours that I exhibit/have exhibited.     Some of this may be a repetition of what I have said before but this essay is a reflection in context.     When the cells of our body are destroyed, either by accident or biological design, they are replaced. None of us ends up with the same cells that we started out with; at some time, they are all replaced by new ones. Some aren't but, by and large, they are.     Now since the cells are replaced by like cells, the nature of them must be 'remembered'. This is not news;  the DNA remembers.     The notion of biological memory is that cells not only remember the way they are supposed to be (except for cancer cells who want go and do their own thing) but that they also retain another memory; the memory of what happened at the original time of conception and anything that happened afterwards, hence biological memory.     However, it is the whole being, whether morulla, embryo or foetus, that remembers. This may be conjecture. However, I will use an personal illustration.     I have this dream sometimes (maybe an anxiety dream) where I am going through a tunnel that is very narrow. I am very frightened. I 'know' at the end is a lighted room. It has no exit except a window. I know that I am going into a space less claustrophobic but I am still frightened. There is no end to this dream, I merely wake myself from it (survival?).     The fact of my birth was that I was born of a very scared woman. I was born during an air-raid on London in 1944, one month after the V1 bombs (doodle-bugs) were sent by the Germans. I was born in an air-raid shelter during such a raid. It is a pretty good assumption that my mother was frightened enough not to want me born at this time. However, she is giving birth to this organism against her will. I ask merely if this is the consequence of my dream?     I was a crying baby. I was frustrated. My mother was frustrated. She did not know what to do. I was succumbing to her frustrations. I was also not breast-fed properly as her milk did not 'come down' as they say. Did I not carry on this 'biological' memory into my own life and children?     Thus there may be regrets, but no blame. Who blames the blamer?     I am not proud of the way that I treated my children during their first years. Hands up! Guilty! What I am concerned about is that perhaps my biological memory of such events that have happened to me have passed onto my children. The crux of the matter here, is that we have no 'real' memories until we are about four years old. What's gone on before that, it would seem, is a biological memory. That memory is carried into our future life through the new cells that we make as part of our biological function. I believe that we do retain this information, otherwise, how do we react as we do, to similar circumstances? We don't consciously know what we are doing because it is a memory that is sub-conscious.     'We all make the same mistakes.' Why? Because we don't break chains by force but by examining the weak kinks and trying to put them correctly (and perhaps, in their place). This can only come about by trying to come to terms with our biological memory. I think this is with us throughout our lives. I still get bad feelings when I hear children crying and screaming. I am not really enamoured with babies and having them. I do not get the rush of adrenaline when I hear that people are parents, grand-parents or some-such. "Oooo! I'm a father/grandfather!" does not, I'm afraid (even if this grates on sensitivities) give me any excitement. It's a fact, or a truth.     Parenthood is the product of a union of two people, whatever the reason and the reasons are bounded by that biological memory over which we have no control. What happens, happens. That I did not treat my own siblings as I should have (given a better biological memory and a better tutorial) is still and always will be, a concern of mine. It's a concern I will have to live with until the end of my days.     Biological memory is not about excuses; I make none for my own behaviours. It's about what has happened to one through no fault, no blame and how one subsequently acts. If we can understand this, I feel, then we can break the chains that bind.     One loves one's siblings, no matter what. If one doesn't, there is something seriously wrong and I wouldn't want to comment on that in this essay. I have always loved my siblings and always shall. Whatever has been done by them or to them is very important to me since I made them. It is my responsibility, whatever I might say otherwise (which I don't, of course).     I did not make a mistake marrying my wife, whatever else may have followed. It was part of my own naiveté and my wanting to have a partner; to be part of some-one else and in my un-wisdom, 'two together as one'; that idyllic relationship from which dreams are made, but not the harsh reality. Ever a dreamer, I went the 'full hog'.     Both my children were born of love. Of that there is no question in my mind. I am sure that I was conceived in the same way. My mother has a great deal of good qualities (although she is a controller). I know, in her own way she loved my father. But she, too, had her own biological memories and carried them forward into her life with him. They carried on into mine and my children.     I do love. I love too much, sometimes/often and it can get me into strife. I love the children I teach and have a hankering for young girls (and older ones!) as well as the  boys. I'm not talking paedophile, here, heaven forbid! but I attach my love to them. It is because I have a quality of non-sexual behaviour (probably because I'm too shy) that people I meet feel that I am 'safe'. I could 'have' a great number of women, desperate for my attention but I don't. I have never treated women as sexual objects. I have no sexual relationship with women (or men) because I could not see how they could live with me. I am very unconventional. I need my space. I need my space because that's what I've grown up with. I never wanted to be a loner but that's what I am. I prefer my own company because I don't want to let my 'shadow' self out. Ruth knew that (for her own reasons). We never married (though I asked her) and that was probably very wise. I owe a lot to her, she was great fun in many ways.     For better or worse, my space has enabled me to stand back from the world as it is presented to me (not good) and allowed me to produce poetry, music, articles and so forth in the perhaps vain hope that I hope will help others in their quest for consolidation into the universe that they never asked to be part of.     Jean Genet was a French homosexual. His major book "Our Lady of the Flowers" was written in prison. I always remember what Jean Paul Satre wrote (in paraphrase):  His books seem to be negative but they always lead to the positive.     Thus so with my own works; my poetry, my music and so forth. There should always be a positive end to our negative behaviours. What appears to be a negative, is, in the correct hands and mind/s and so forth a positive, a way forward. Nostalgia is great when it's a way forward, not a living in the past. No fault, no blame; only understanding.

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